a personal struggle.

I've realized lately that I am really struggling with things in life that are beyond my control. I'm so afraid to lose my husband and my son. It's always been a fear but it become very stuck in my mind last week when I had a scary incident with Aiden (that all turned out just fine).

We had just got home from the baby sitter's house and Aiden was asleep in his car seat carrier. I decided since we was still asleep I would let him stay in the seat and left him in our living room while I worked in the kitchen. I almost always take him out whether he is sleeping or not but didn't want to wake him this time. After about 30 minutes I decided he needed to be taken out of the seat even though he was still sleeping. As I unbuckled his straps and even moved his arms to pick him up he never moved. Not at all. I said (quite loudly) "hey buddy" as I tickled his belly but he didn't move. It wasn't until I actually picked him up that he began to stretch and wiggle. He was so sound asleep. Through out this 10 seconds my heart stopped. My hands trembled. My face went pale. My whole world was falling apart.

I immediately felt silly for becoming so frightened but his still, little body seemed so lifeless. I sat down on the couch, cuddling my sweet, sleepy boy and wept. I cried out to God, thanking Him for our son. Thanking him that it wasn't time for him to take Aiden from me.

Since then I have become the paranoid mom that I thought I would be from day 1. I'm not only a paranoid mom but a wife as well. I worry about my loves constantly. Whether Chris is at the fire station, sitting in a deer stand, or driving down the highway - I worry. It's not until he is curled up next to me that I have a peace.

This worry is not something new to my life. I was very similar to this as a child. I didn't like staying home by myself (even when I was clearly old enough) and I always thought the worse when someone was running late or something didn't go quite right.

Last night, I shared this struggle with Chris a little bit more. Although he was compassionate to me, he ended the conversation with "there's nothing I can do, this is between you and God." He is so right (and I knew that too). Today I'm trying to dive deeper in to scripture and prayer on this. Here are a few scriptures that are so on spot.
 

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31

Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  Psalm 62:6

They will have no fear of bad news;  their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  Psalm 112:7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

Having such a compassionate heart can be such hard work sometimes! Any suggestions beyond prayer and scripture? Any personal experience with this? I'd love to hear!

Be a blessing to someone today!

becoming a hippy.

I've come to the conclusion that I am becoming a hippy. Yep, a hippy. I'm a cloth diapering, laundry detergent making, going green kinda momma. OK, so maybe these things don't constitute me as a hippy but I realized this morning how much I really am leaning towards this natural (cutting chemicals and processed foods out as much as possible) lifestyle. I'm not a health nut by any means but caring for our sweet boy has made me more cautious of the things I do and use.

This all started when I decided to cloth diaper Aiden, a few months before we even knew he would be Aiden. I have been so pleased with our diapers and am very thankful to have this alternative from buying costly diapers that are just going to be thrown away and then off to a landfill. Not only do I wrap his cute little booty in cloth rather than plastic but I make the detergent to clean them too. It's a very simple, basic solution that seems to do a great job and isn't costly like some name brand detergents. We're even going as far as using cloth wipes more lately. I decided I might as well since I'm washing the diapers anyway. I'm amazed at home many wipes we've gone through in the 16 1/2 weeks of our sweet boy's life.

Here is the recipe for the cloth diaper detergent:
Equal parts of: baking soda, washing soda, and oxiclean
(I did just see a post about adding essential oils to this make it smell good, I'm considering trying this but I also don't really mind that something my babe is gonna poo in doesn't smell like flowers as long as its clean)

This is my routine for diaper laundry: "Express wash" (a setting on my washer) on cold, then a "normal wash" on hot with an extra rinse. I generally do a large load of diapers and in that case I would add one tablespoon to the express wash and then 2 tablespoons to the regular wash. It seems to work well for me. I did have an ammonia problem this weekend but I think I probably got in a rush getting diapers ready for a weekend away messed up on more routine.

I have just been using water for my cloth wipe "solution" but I'm going to be making one tonight. Once I figure out what that will be I'll post it too!


I make our regular laundry detergent as well. I've been using this recipe for about 3 months and I've had no problems with it at all. It smells great and is cheap to make! Click here for the recipe! It really does make a TON! I bought a five gallon bucket to store my excess in from Home Depot which is great to mix it in too. I just made sure the lid was on tightly and rolled the bucket back on forth on the floor because all that detergent weight a lot!


In just two months sweet boy will be ready to start out baby foods and I'll be making that too! I'm soo stinkin' excited for this! My parents gave us a Baby Bullet as a baby shower gift and I can't wait to get started. I'm glad that I'll know exactly what is going in to our boys body and I'm thinking its gonna help me (and hopefully Firefighter Hubby too) eat healthier as well.

At this point, I'm still mostly using the typical household cleaners for my kitchen, bathroom, etc (but really who am I kidding, when do I ever really clean) but I'm starting to look in to more ways to cut those chemicals out and use natural cleaning methods, especially when it's usually cheaper to make them than to buy them. 

Other "natural things" I'm planning to try:
-amber teething jewelry
-homemade facial wipes
-cloth "paper" towels
-wool dryer balls - I can't use dryer sheets with cloth diapers anyway
-cloth menstrual pads - TMI maybe but I'm ok with that.
-dog treats

Have you had any luck with trying new "natural" ways of life? I'd love to hear what you're doing!

baby things.

Now that we know Baby is a He I am so ready to start looking at things for him! You know, bedding, clothes, stroller, and probably most important, cloth diapers! So lets start with cloth diapers! I would love some "been there done that" mommas and dads out there with tips and tricks!

What brand?
What kind? (all in one, pocket, etc.)
Where to buy?
What detergent?
What rash cream?
What else? :)